The fourteenth season of “OUCH, My Fucking Clavicle!” It is upon us. A league known for the inappropriate names of its fantasy football teams.
Yes, the league smokes cigarettes, uses bad language, MASTURBATES, and skips days of ninth grade, regularly.
So who better to announce the 2025 draft than notorious douchebag John Rocker?
But how did we get here?
In the year of our Lord, 2012, Chargers running back Ryan Mathews was a “can’t miss” fantasy first-round pick.
After a season of over 1,500 total yards, 50+ rec, 6 TUD in limited service, Mathews Hype was at ringing levels entering Year 3 when he took the reins from the recently departed greatest fantasy RB of all time, LaDainian Tomlinson.
He was the “missing link” in an offense that included Vincent Jackson, A Gates, Malcom Floyd and Triggerman/father of ELEVEENTEEN, Philip Rivers.
But then he broke his right FUCKING CLAVICLE on his first preseason carry, for a nice 5-yard gain that would easily lead the NFL for a full season, .5 fantasy points, and sucked all year.
According to numerous reports, including players at field level, after the sound of his collarbone breaking subsided, Mathews yelled, “Oh, my FUCKING COLLARbone, I’m reasonably sure it’s broken!”
(https://www.nfl.com/news/ryan-mathews-of-san-diego-chargers-breaks-clavicle-0ap1000000048067)
Not only was Ryan “Raw Dog” Mathews devastated, but so were countless fantasy teams that had selected him with their first-round pick. He missed the first two weeks and was committed for much longer.
In week 3 he scored his first TUD of the season, and what would be his ONLY TUD of the season.
Then, in Week 15, the unthinkable in the fantasy playoffs happened: he broke his LEFT FUCKING collarbone.
(https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/chargers-rb-ryan-mathews-headed-to-ir-with-broken-clavicle/)
According to numerous reports from people in the field, after the sound of his collarbone being crushed against the force of an unforgiving earth, he screamed, “OH MY FUCKING COLLABICLE, THIS TIME I BROKE MY LEFT ONE!”
According to the Mayan calendar, 12/21/2012 was supposed to be the end of the world. And for many fantasy owners, their world ended with the sound of Mathews’ fragile collarbones being crushed to dust.
Is this YOUR year to get completely fucked? Your destiny awaits you.
List of previous champions:
1st place | 2nd Place | 3rd Place | Your finish
2024 Restaurant with Ted Danson Demardiac Arrest lSmotherdngravy 12
2023 Captain Insano Castle Demardiac Nation Arrest 9th
2022 Penis Inspector 🍆🍆🍆 Deshaun’s Massage Envy Captain Insano 1st
Penis Inspector 2021 🍆🍆🍆 Captain Insano The Boner Express!!! 1st
Penis Inspector 2020 🍆🍆🍆 Senator Ernie McCracken Buc Nasty 1st
2019 Da Beers Senator Ernie McCracken Lit & Gay AF 10th
2018 Captain Insane Dickface Hernandez NeckTieCo 12.
2017 Marty Ball Dickface Lit & Gay AF 7mo
2016 Buttfuckin’ Marty Ball Tom’s Lot Lizard 1st
2015 Captain Insano The Boner Express!!! DCarr4MVP 7th
2014 DCarr4MVP The Boner Express!!! Sacks to be Cutler eighth
2013 The Boner Express!!! KCCO Captain Insano 8th
2012 WhoWnts2SmellMadonna FLF IPG Team 1st
