Being the single or single friend among a sea of couples is a lot like being a block of Limburger on a charcuterie board of Brie, Cheddar and Manchego. Or a Chanel 22 in a closet full of Flaps and 2.55s. They are acquired tastes that challenge the guests, most of whom have long succumbed to the default marriage way of adulting. And so, year after year, singles and singles around the world prepare for wedding season by practicing insincere smiles that can successfully camouflage the jaw clenching and teeth grinding that goes on beneath the surface. Because? For all the advice, mostly unsolicited, largely irrelevant, and often violently inappropriate. If you’re one of those out-of-control counselors, try something radical this year: pop a nut-filled laddoo in your mouth every time you’re about to say these seven things.
Consider it the first rule of modern wedding etiquette.
“I’m sure your person is just around the corner.”
Although it is often well-intentioned and intended to be hopeful, ask anyone and they will tell you that this tedious, meaningless missive could win an award for creative futility. In reality, single women who are not single by choice… They have already searched. And he looked and he looked. There’s a reason first date fatigue and swiping exhaustion are fueling an entire industry: dating coaches, therapists, and communities around the world commiserating on Reddit and WhatsApp. Equally problematic is the presumption that “mate” is the default ideal without considering that the recipient of your optimism might not actually be interested in mating.
“Have you set a date yet? What are you waiting for!?”
Let’s all sit cross-legged, close our eyes, relax our shoulders, and bask in the warmth of this revolutionary idea: a relationship is just as valid and solid even if the protagonists decide not to involve the government. If you have to be nosy, at least switch to “Is marriage something you are discussing or interested in?” Better yet, do the honorable thing and seek out inside information on mutual friends and close cousins and leave the happily single alone. Consider it a small but significant act of wedding etiquette.
“You have no idea how lucky you are. Never get married”
Married people rushing around weddings breathlessly, enthused by the virtues of singleness, feel more uncomfortable than the capricious crystals of tight cholis digging into the flesh of their hapless audience. Not to mention how embarrassing it is for your spouse to have to joke your way out of your partner’s longing for a few days off and fancy. If you’re guilty of issuing such dire warnings at weddings, let this year be the year you start keeping your secret desires a secret.
“Let me introduce you to…”
Vaguely knowing two single people who might look good together in a photograph is not enough qualification to anoint yourself a matchmaker. Unless you have intimate knowledge of your guests’ political leanings, values, preferences, peccadilloes, eccentricities, and dislikes, resist the temptation, no matter how strong, to play Cupid. The possibility of things going unexpectedly wrong is not worth it, especially in the tense atmosphere of a wedding. After all, how sure can you be that your demure Excel ninja colleague isn’t leading a double life as monarch of the manosphere, after hours?
“Have you tried…”
The only appropriate and welcome ending to a sentence that begins with these three suspicious words is: “…Feta cheese baked in filo with tahini-honey dressing” or something similar. No: a beauty or fitness trick. Either this app or that matchmaker. Or a variety of astrologers, palmists, tarot readers, crystal ball gazers, coffee grounds or tea leaf readers. Whatever problem you are convinced of, keeping your single friend single, keep the sacred knowledge and its remedy to yourself, unless said single person specifically asks you for help.
“You need to lower your standards a little/compromise”
All this pronouncement does is make the person receiving it feel a deep feeling of pity for the person saying it. Most adult women with a healthy sense of self and strong personal boundaries already consider the bar for men to be so low that it might as well be a tavern in Hades. Warning them that they need to scale it back further can only send one of two messages: either you believe they don’t deserve a well-adjusted, independently functioning adult receiving appropriate therapy, or that your own standards are miserably low. Neither inference bodes well for the relationship in the future.
“Any chance you guys get back together?”
If the answer to this question is a resounding “no,” it’s inappropriate (and strange) for you to be discreetly pining after your friend’s ex long after he’s stopped pining and mourning the relationship. And if the answer is “yes,” you’re just reminding your friend of something they want but don’t have, especially during a melancholic, emotionally charged time.
